The Story of The Liver (Alternate title: How I Battled My Gag Reflex and Won....Barely)

On September 19th, after two dog-free years, we added a sweet little 8 pound puppy to our family.  He grabbed our hearts immediately with his floppy ears and howling bark and big brown eyes.  He was 4 1/2 months old at the time and his name was Elvis.  After countless discussions (he was briefly named Fredo), we changed the name to Charlie.

I keep calling him Charlie Tuna.

Rachel calls him Charlie Tuna Casserole.

He is starting to have an identity crisis.  He might need therapy.

His transition was pretty smooth, other than the kennel cough that showed up during his first week at home.  After 2 weeks on antibiotics, he's happy and healthy again.

Our previous dog, Page, loved Daddy the most.  This little guy is a total Momma's boy.  Not that I'm complaining.  His presence is comforting....I love to hear the clink-clink of his ID tags as he follows me around the house.  He has a belly that begs to be scratched and his ears are so big that they nearly cover his eyes when he looks down at the floor.

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Pagie died two years ago with a heart full of love but a tummy full of cancerous tumors.  Was there anything we could have done to prevent that?  Probably not.  Does that keep me from second-guessing every minute we spent with her?  No.  We were first-time dog owners and I'm sure we made more than a handful of mistakes.  Early in the morning, while Charlie and I walk the neighborhood, I find myself thinking of Page and silently promising to do better this time.

The thing is, I'm a little nutty and neurotic.  (STOP LAUGHING.)  Okay...I'm a LOT nutty and neurotic.  I have this undeniable urge to protect Charlie and do everything I can to keep him healthy and safe.

So I've decided to make my own dog food.

I'll give you a moment to compose yourself......

Seriously?  Holding your gut and falling to the floor?  Don'tcha think you're being a little dramatic?

I'll spare you the exhaustive details of my research.  Suffice to say that dog food consists of all the sh*t that's not fit for human consumption.  Plus lots of inexpensive fillers that have no nutritional value.  I know...I know....plenty of dogs eat commercial dog food and live to be happy, healthy, faithful, grey-haired companions.  I'm not saying that you're a terrible person if you use commercial food.  I'm not saying that you love your pet any less.  I'm not saying that I'm somehow better than you.  I'm just saying that we wanted to take a different road this time.  We knew that some of Charlie's diet would consist of dry food.  So, Nick and I did lots and lots (and lots and lots) of internet research to come up with a brand that was consistently top-rated and repeatedly recommended.  And the list of ingredients includes lots of things that are actual food!  Yay for food!  Yay for being able to pronounce and understand the ingredient list!  Yay for not feeding my dog cow brains!

Here's the problem.  It ain't cheap.  He's a little pup and he doesn't eat a LOT, but I thought, "Hmm.  I think I can cut costs AND give him some top quality grub all at once!"  So he'll be getting half homemade food and half dry food.  We're keeping the dry food simply because it contains some of the vitamins and minerals that dogs need and godhelpme I don't want to give him some kind of weird vitamin deficiency.

So here's where the story of The Liver comes in.  (I give you mad props if you've stayed with me this long.)

The very first batch of food was simmered for several hours in my hand-dandy crock pot.  It consisted of liver, chicken, carrots, sweet potatoes, butternut squash, apples, rice, and onions (for flavor).  (Ya know....you'll never be able to continue reading if you don't stop laughing.)

I have 2 points to make here.  Liver might be the nastiest thing I've ever brought into this house.  (I know I'm stepping on some toes here cuz I have several family members who think liver-and-onions is a delicacy  straight from heaven.  I happen to think it's a nightmare straight from somewhere else.  I digress.)  First, I put on rubber gloves because I was completely unhinged by the amount of BLOOD that was in the packaging.  I opened the plastic, slid the whole mess into the crock pot, and leaned over (I swear to you that I don't know what came over me) to take a whiff.

*GAG*

MUST BREATHE THROUGH MY MOUTH BUT I CAN'T BECAUSE I'M TOO BUSY GAGGING WITH MY MOUTH WHAT THE HELL CAN I DO TO GET THIS STINK OUT OF MY NOSTRILS??!!

*GAG*

Liver will never again enter my home.

*GAG*

My second point?  ONIONS ARE TOXIC FOR DOGS.  Yep.  It contains something that causes their red blood cells to BURST which leads to anemia which can lead to DEATH.  I could just as easily have laced the whole mess with rat poison.  In my 3 weeks of research, WHY DIDN'T I SEE THAT BEFORE NOW?  So I lived with 10 hours of a rancid-smelling house for nothing. 

The bad news?  The entire batch of food went into the garbage.  The good news?  I was only out $15 (roughly).  The other bad news?  I'll be the butt of endless jokes that probably all start with, "HEY!  Remember the time Chris almost poisoned Charlie?  BAHAHAHA!"

So yesterday I made my second batch of food.  I stuck with the basics this time.  Chicken (which, thankfully, doesn't smell like 4-day-old baked on a highway in Death Valley roadkill), carrots, sweet potatoes, butternut squash, apples, and rice.

When The Husband came home from work, I said, "I finished the second batch of dog food."

"Okay."

"I left out the poisonous onions this time."

"Awesome."

"I also left out the liver."

"THANK YOU."

The one where I drone on about a few of my favorite things...

A friend of mine is nearing her 20th week of pregnancy.  She and her husband recently found out they're expecting a boy...so now begins the arduous process of wading through millions of useless baby items to find the select few that are useful, affordable, reliable, and durable.  Today, she enlisted the help of family and friends via Facebook and her private blog.  She posed this question:

"What is your favorite baby item?  The one you can't live without."

Dude.  *shaking my head*

In light of my verbal diarrhea and endless opinions, you may live to regret that question.

I, on the other hand, am positively giddy over the blog fodder.  Thanks!

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My first suggestion was to get thee an on-line Consumer Reports subscription.  In Yonkers, NY, there lives a laboratory filled with nerdy peeps beating the snot out of various everyday items.  They spend endless hours every day pushing, pulling, dropping, kicking, opening, closing, turning on, turning off, and just generally abusing the things we use all the time.  This is helpful because it prevents the Average Joe from spending wads of cash on products that are LAME and SUCKY.

My second suggestion is to give some serious thought to your needs.  Do you live in a ranch-style house with a big open floor plan?  Then you might not need baby gates.  Do you live in a warm, tropical climate?  You won't need many heavy blankets.  Love to run?  You'll find a jogging stroller to be helpful.  Expecting triplets?  Get a bigger vehicle.  Pronto. 

Hmmm.....so now I'm supposed to pick ONE item that I just couldn't live without?  Ummm.  That would be chapstick.  (Or would it be a good bra?  Dry lips or droopy girls?  I can't make up my mind!  Crap.  This is like asking me to pick a favorite child!)

Pardon?  What's that you said?  It needs to be a baby-related item?  Oh.  Thank god because my 32 remaining brain cells were getting an owie.

Without further ado, I present:

The List of Baby Gear I Couldn't Possibly Be Expected to Live Without

**A changing table, located in the living room.  When I was upstairs, I just used the bed for changing and clothing the baby.  Downstairs, I kept a changing table stocked to the gills with diapers, wipes, blankets, puke rags, and clothing.  Also?  When baby was reallllllly tiny (as in, not moving and wiggling too much), he/she napped on the changing table.  (It had rails on the sides to keep baby from falling.)

**Plain, white, cloth diapers.  For cleaning up pukies and keeping your shoulder well protected from said pukies.

**Exersaucer.  Priceless.  When we finally retired ours, I nearly shed a tear.  My babies spent countless hours hopping up and down gleefully.  This thing is exceptionally helpful when you need to tinkle and you'd really like to do it ALONE or without worrying "OMG.  WHERE DID THE BABY CRAWL TO NOW AND WHAT IS THAT NOISE?!"

**A good quality baby monitor.

**A Bundle-Me...for winter infants in chilly climates.  It completely eliminated any need for a coat or snowsuit when my daughter was born in December.  It's like a tiny sleeping bag for baby!


**The snap-n-go stroller, to be used as long as baby is in an infant car seat.  Seriously?  If I could turn back the clock, I would have purchased this stroller as soon as the stick said, "HEY!  YOU'RE GONNA GET FAT AND CRABBY!  CONGRATULATIONS!"

**The Peg Perego high chair.  Well worth the money.

**An unusual item for you...a waterproof underpad.  I got a couple of these from the hospital where my smidgets were born and I still use them all the time.  They are soft, durable, washable, waterproof, and priceless.  I've used them as changing pads on my bed or the floor.  I've used them between two crib sheets, to protect the sheet under it.  Stomach virus?  Put the pad on the floor to protect the carpet from "flying debris" that doesn't make it into the garbage can.  Putting up the Christmas tree?  Put one of these pads under the tree stand so your floor doesn't get scratched AND to catch the extra water when you fill the reservoir with too much water.  (Not that we've ever done that.  *ahem*)  Baby has a nasty diaper rash?  Put the pad on the floor, remove baby's diaper, and let that rump get some fresh air while the pad absorbs the wee-wee.

**Onesies, onesies, and more onesies.  All of them in white (so you don't have to purchase all new ones if your next child is a girl).  And all of them from Carter's (by far, the softest and most durable brand).

**And while we're on the topic of the next child?  Try to purchase gender-neutral items as much as possible (especially the big-ticket items.....Have you seen the pink strollers?  What a tremendously stupid idea.  If the next child is a BOY, will you be comfortable putting HIM in a PINK stroller?).  Instead of 28 baby blue sleepers adorned with dinosaurs and trucks, pick up a handful of sleepers that can be suitable for a boy or girl.  Admittedly, this might be hard to find, but you'll be thankful when the 2nd child is of the opposite sex and you don't have to raid a clothing store for a new wardrobe.

**Sandra Boynton's "Barnyard Dance" (or any other Sandra Boynton book, for that matter).  I will carry and cherish this book until I'm carted off to the graveyard.  It's funny...and cute...and not-too-short but not-too-long...and if you want to add some extra hilarity, you can read the book like you're calling a hoe-down.  "Stomp your feet!  Clap your hands!  Everybody ready for a barnyard dance!  Bow to the horse!  Bow to the cow!  Twirl with the pig if you know how!"  We've spent countless nights reading this book to our babies.  (Is it weird that I'm getting teary just writing about this???  What is WRONG with me?!)

**A couple of big plastic bins.  Keep one in your room or the baby's room at all times, with the lid off.  When baby outgrows an outfit, fold it neatly and put it in the bin.  When the bin is full, put the lid on and label it....."Boy clothes, 3 to 6 months."  Put the bin in the attic/basement/garage/backyard shanty.  Easy organization.

**The next installment of The Girlfriend's Guide.  Just as funny as the first one.

**Oh yeah!  You'll also need a sense of humor.  I can't tell you where to find that.  But I know that I really could have used one back in 2000 when I was crying and grumping my way through the baby blues for an entire friggin' year.  (Me?  Bitter?  No!  Well...maybe just a little.  Okay.  A WHOLE LOT.)

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

Are you sleeping yet?  I know this was a lot to read....you have my deepest apologies.  The thing is, if you want to, you can easily spend every last dime you have on silly baby gadgets and miscellaneous junk.  If I had to do it over again, there are several things I wouldn't buy (infant massage kit?  Never even opened it.) and a few things that I'm thankful I never succumbed to (those goofy shopping cart cover thingys?  Totally unnecessary.  The germs are good for building up their immune system!  Of course, I never ran that theory by my pediatrician, but, whatev.).

So how about you, my lovely homies......Was there something that you just couldn't have survived without during your parenting career?  (Besides a pound of dark chocolate and a large glass of wine at 8pm, that is.)  Please, oh please, share your hard-earned wisdom with us!

"And I cannot text you with a drink in my hand, eh"

The scene:  In my van on the way home from the girls' first day of preschool.

The actors:  Rachel, Alexa, and me

Aaaaaand.....ACTION.

Rachel:  Mommy, can you turn on the music?  Can you turn on Barbie World?  (It's actually titled "Barbie Girl", but what do I know?)

Me:  No.  Not Barbie World....I'll turn on something else.  Listen and see if you know what it is.

My iPod:  "Hello hello baby.  You called?  I can't hear a thing.  I have got no service in the club you see see."

Rachel:  LADY GAGA!

Alexa:  I know that one!  It's TELEPHONE!

My iPod:  "Wha-wha-what did you say, huh?  You're breaking up on me."

All together now!  "Sorry, I cannot hear you, I'm kinda busy."

Louder now!  Ignore the other drivers who are now staring at the head-bopping loon in the minivan playing drums on her steering wheel!

"K-kinda busy.  K-kinda busy.  Sorry I cannot hear you.  I'm kinda busy."

If you listen closely, you can hear the sound of my husband dying a little inside.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

Yeah.  She's nutty.  But we loves us some GAGA.  Well, "us" meaning everyone in the house 'cept The Husband.  He visibly cringes while the rest of us sing, "Stop callin' stop callin' I don' wanna think anymore."

I told him, "I bet after you hear it a few hundred more times, YOU'LL love it, TOO!"

He didn't look convinced.

Whatev.  He's the one who loves Kiss.  You know?  That group of middle-aged, spandex clad, platform-high-heel wearing, makeup slathering men?  Yeah.  Them.

Remembering...again

Today is the 9th anniversary.  For a brief moment, I forgot.  Shame on me.  The block party we are attending today occupied my mind.

I don't have anything new to say and my feelings are no different than they were last year.  So I'm just going to direct you to the post I wrote last September 11th.

NOTE:  At this time last year, my blog was very new and I was still using fake names for my family members.  So when you'll be reading the names Jack, James, Joseph, Camille, and Julia when their real names are Nick, Nicholas, Benjamin, Alexa, and Rachel.  Confusing?  I know.  My apologies.

Anyway....last year's post can be found by clicking here.

Have a beautiful weekend....

Oh, those wacky kids....

Hello, my lovelies....I'm sure you're still sitting on the edge of your seat and waiting for my long-ago-promised vacation post.  Right?  No?

Hm.

Okay.

It turns out having 4 kids home for summer vacation = a very busy Momma.  Perhaps when school starts I can, once again, stun you with my knee-slapping sense of humor and award winning writing ability.  In the meantime, you'll have to be satisfied with these little gems that keep coming from the mouths of my babes.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

Rachel, Alexa, and I were standing near the fridge...contemplating our lunch choices.  Rachel spotted some left-over corn on the cob.  She announced, "I want corn!"

I said, "No."

She repeated, "I want corn."

This child....she does like to repeat herself.

Then, in a classic move that could only come from a child born into my tongue-bumbling gene pool, she said, "I want corn.  I want...porn."

When she saw that I was doubled over and laughing, she said it again.

"I want porn!"

And again...with FEELING.

"I WANT PORN!"

And for added hilarity, she added a snazzy little dance.

"I want porn...I want porn....la la la I want porn!"

My cheeks still hurt from the laughing.

Welcome...to the dark thide

I rolled up Rachel's blanket and said, "Rachie...take this up to your bed, please."

"Okay!"

She walked to the stairs, then came back.

"It'th dark up there.  I'm not going to the dark thide."

Best laugh I've had all week.

Home again, home again, jiggity jig!

Hello, blogging friends and family!  We're home today after a restful, fun, family-filled, 10 day vacation in North Dakota.  My trusty camera was my constant companion...I logged in around 1800 pictures.  I endured plenty of good natured teasing about my incessant click-click-click.

"Do you ever take just ONE picture?"

"Nope!  My rule is.....NEVER take just one."

And in the age of digital photography, I can take as many as I want without worrying about the cost of film and developing.

Besides...if I only took one, would I have ever been lucky enough to capture these?

I have so much to tell you all and so many more pictures to share....I promise I'll be back this week with a post about our vacation.

In the meantime...remember this:

Never take just one.